Tuesday, December 30, 2008

the mcdonald's experience from hell


As many of you already know, I DO NOT under any circumstances leave the house with all three children without one or more of the following: PCA, friend, or husband. It is just impossible, but with two weeks off of school and Ben and the rest of creation at work we were all stir crazy. Yesterday I took all three kids by myself to McDonald's Playplace, and it went off without a hitch. One could say it was even pleasant. So I decided to tempt fate and return today for some more. Today went much differently.

The first thing that went wrong was completely my fault. I told Miles to go get two baby cones for Murphy and Miyo, I thought they were free, or used to be, but just in case I sent along some money. He came back with two LARGE cones. So I gave them to Miyo and Murphy and sent Miles back to get himself one. I should have just given one to Miles and let Miyo and Murphy share. But I apparently was not thinking clearly. So they are licking them and dripping them everywhere and tipping them over the sides, which isn't bad, just wasteful. Miyo is lactose intolerant so I brought her pills with. They are chewable and I just give her one and she eats it, no problem. Well today, after handing it to her, I later find it on the tray. I track her down in the playplace and hand it to her and make her put it in her mouth again. She looks sad, and says, "Icky." And takes it out. I make her put it back in, lecturing her on how she has to take it or she will have a stomach ache...blah blah blah. But she keeps spitting it out and saying, "Icky." So I think... Uh oh, is this a Tylenol? Did I give my baby a Tylenol? The bottles are exactly the same shape, except for totally different labels. So I go in my purse and sure enough I tried to give my two year old a large 1000 mg Tylenol. She wouldn't do it thank goodness, for once, that she doesn't listen. So I gave her the correct pill, she ate it and ran away playing.

After a while I hear her screaming bloody murder and look up to see Murphy throwing her leg warmers and socks out of the netting at the top into the area that is blocked off underneath. So I try coaxing the screaming banshee out of the playplace, telling her not to worry, we'll get them. Miles goes and gets an employee and I explain what happened and where they are. I thought the lady could just walk right in no problem. She could go in a certain part freely after unlocking it, but then she had to crawl/lay pulling her body under a 1 ft. area of dust and McDonald's grease to get the legwarmers. So she comes out and I want to die when I tell her thank you, but there is still two pairs of socks on top of the tube. So she goes inside again, and has to do a pull up and lug herself up onto the tube to get the socks, the first one is right on top, but the second is around the other side, so she has to maneuver even more. I thank her profusely and look around at the PACKED playplace eating area of parents who are all staring at me and say to them, "We are so out of here!" No one laughs and I die a little more. So I get my hands on Miyo and start bundling her up in her coat and boots and mittens, while yelling to Miles to get Murphy out of the top of the playplace. He hadn't come down in over 20 minutes and didn't plan to. I can hear Miles huffing and puffing and saying, "MURPHYYYYY!" And everyone can hear Murphy screaming, "WE ARE ALL DONE!" So I go to the bottom of the slide because I can hear Miles corralling him at the top. I am trying to be positive with my, "Murphy, come see mommy." And finally after an eternity Miles gets Murphy in a headlock and they come smashing down the slide headfirst. I get Murphy into his winter gear while he screams, "WE ARE ALL DONE!" and look for Miyo. She is back in the playplace with all her winter clothing on. Miles is now running after her while she screams piercingly, "NO! NO! NO!" "LET GO A ME! YOU BE NICE-A ME! NO! NO!" So they are all corralled and I look around again and loudly declare to all the parents around, "We are never coming back here." And again no one laughs.

The best part of the whole thing is we finally get in the car, everyone is buckled in and I am putting the car into reverse and Miles says, "DRIVE, WOMAN, DRIVE!"

5 comments:

andrea schweikert said...

Ok, I feel sorry for your pain. Once I finished hysterically laughing. . . now I feel sorry. I can't believe none of the other parents would laugh. What's with that? I have been to the top of the Mcdonald's playplace and let me tell you it ain't pretty. The smell of urine, puke,and french fries all mixed together in a tunnel that is about 100 degrees.
BTW Miles you are just what a mom needs. Comic relief when you are just about to loose it.
By far my favorite blog entry EVER!

Sarah said...

ohhh.. what a day! I can't believe the parents didn't laugh either. I hate the playplace but I used to take my kids there all the time too. One time a kid puked down the slide. Gross.

Ben said...

Well I know where I am NOT going with the kids on Thursday.

kadyhexum said...

I love it when I can laugh out loud for reals when I type LOL.

I feel your pain about joking around and nobody laughing. Pity laugh, please?

MILES: I LOVE YOU.

Ali said...

Kasey, you are so beautifully honest. You're so candid about the self doubt we all experience as parents, and how sometimes we just plain "f" things up. I love your writing. It's awesome.