Thursday, July 23, 2009

okay, so here's the deal...

I have not even really touched the computer in the past weeks, obviously. Various reasons include, it's summer; water park visits, bike rides, video games, movies, feeding fish off of docks at a lake near our home... laundry, dishes, kids...

Also though, as recently as the middle of May, I have been having panic attacks, some severe, some short, but a lot of them. Sometimes two in one day. I started seeing a therapist who after 3 visits (she wanted to see me every week, but I can barely afford the every 2 weeks we agreed to) she informed me I have Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Depressive Disorder and Borderline Agoraphobia. I immediately understood and believed the panic disorder (for obvious reasons, and because my mother recently told me the I had them at the ages of 2 and 3 (I would hunch over and not be able to breathe, so she would rush me to the doctor and I would stop, she did this several times, but every time I got there I would be finished, so they never diagnosed it at that time)). I have had them as a kid, and quite a bit in high school and throughout my adult years. But I sought help because they were becoming frequent and in between them I have severe anxiety and dread I will have one again.

I could accept the anxiety, because I am a fearful person and worry quite a bit more than the average bear. But I really couldn't accept that I was depressed. I have a nice home and yard and I MOSTLY enjoy my children (I think). I'm pretty happy, I laugh a lot, I have a husband who loves me and is good to me. My children are funny, good sometimes (LOL) and in my opinion physically attractive so I don't have to worry that people think they are "icky" (don't comment on this, it's an attempt at humor). The Borderline Agoraphobia was also a bit of a shock, I am constantly complaining, "Let's get out of here, let's do something, I have ants in my pants." But I can never come up with things to do, and when suggestions are given I am like, "nah, something else" until people give up (ha ha). However it makes a little sense because I don't like leaving the comfort of my home, people invite me over and I say, "Come over here, we'll do this..." Also, not to place and blame or be defensive: but with a child with severe autism, I do not like to leave the house often. People are mean (not all people, but it can take one small comment to have me angry, crying, confrontational, retreating, sobbing in my car). I don't want to get into the whole 'Why me?', 'I'm not the special needs mom type' part of my inner feelings; I love my son, I cry for him, I cry for me, I cry for my husband and two other children, because, people can glimpse into our grieving, but they can go on with their lives and don't have to deal 24/7 with our situation. I try to stay upbeat, but recently I have been falling apart, I think I realize Murphy isn't 2 years old, we can't hide his odd behaviour behind "Oh, he's just a little baby." He will be 7 in a couple of weeks, he is beautiful and looks normal, so when a screech of excitement or anger comes out, people are noticeably and sometimes cruelly curt with us, "aren't you a little old to be screaming in stores" or "wow, that was loud" or other children, "Tell me your name! I said, 'what's you name!' What's wrong with you?" While pushing him, or hitting him in frustration as he tries to get past them to get to the slide.

One day I called my therapist and told her I couldn't take it anymore and I needed something more than therapy, so she told me to call my personal physician, who prescribed me some pills to help, until I could get in to see an actual psychiatrist. Someone must have cancelled because I got in to see one within two weeks (they all say that was fast). I am on a couple of prescriptions to ward of panic attacks and one for anxiety and depression. I have ups and downs and am currently working with my psychiatrist at finding what's right for me. Some days are really good and I can get a lot done. Some days are bad, and I can still get some things done. My sister took Miyo and Miles for a couple of weeks to help out, and Murphy has summer school and PCA's to help me with his care. So I am working through it.

I didn't want to write this post, but I have realized I fallen off the face of the earth and some may wonder why. I just want to be a good mom and curb the impending nervous breakdown (LOL).

Future posts may be sporadic, but they will be upbeat and I will put up the pictures of the kids at the water park, digging in sand, riding bikes, playing in the backyard, and all their cute quotes. But for now, the computer isn't really a priority.